Sunday, November 27, 2011

The silence of a falling star....

Friday, my heart was broken.. Friday night we got home and I let the dogs out.. Maya came back but Vegas didn't.. I called and called for him.. And he never came.. When Clint came in, I said was Vegas with you? He said no he say him running around and he asked me what the loud bang noise he heard was.. I had no idea.. Well I started screaming for Vegas and it is not like him not to come home..  Shortly after I was going nuts looking for him.. A lady and her husband pulled into the driveway and I really don't remember what was said.. And I started screaming and found him lying next to the road.. The lady kept saying I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry.... I couldn't tell you what she looked like if I saw her... All I knew was that my baby was dead... Clint picked him up and carried him back to the house and put him on the back of the truck and we just stood there petting him and I was begging for god to let him wake up.. But I saw him eyes and they were empty... I fell apart at my seems.. And still don't think I am completely sewed back up.. Clint told me to go take a shower so I did and I just waited for Vegas to pull the curtain back and check on me.. Him waiting on the Matt next to the bath tub.... Leaning up against me when I was brushing my hair.. Him steeling my slippers... Nothing.. Just emptiness.. I didn't sleep at all that night.. I watch Roseanne and the nanny on tvland until the sun came up and Clint woke up.. I had uncontrollably cried all night.. And part of me was afraid to wake up in the morning.. Because the highlight of my morning was when Vegas would wake me up by puttin his head on the bed and wagging his little nub of a tail.. An then when I didn't move he'd put one paw on the bed and then he other and he would crawled up next to me and I would love on him and snuggle with him.. Then him and maya would go out and they would come back in and Vegas would get in my closet and grab my clothes after I took them out of the closet..   When I used to go to the bathroom he would open te door and the door would slam and he'd come in and make me pet him.. And I'd say "vegas get out of here" and he'd lay his head on my knee and wag his nub of a tail and I'd pet him.. I miss him  Slamming against the door to go outside when I would be opening the door.. He acted like I never opened it fast enough..  I missed him dearly when I went to feed the chickens.. He was my buddy he went everywhere. And if I didn't know he was around he used to run by and grab my hand... When I used to wash the dishes e used to. Sneak up behind me and nip me on the butt and make me scream... He was such a part of my life I can't even explain.. My cowboy has been very here for me and very loving and supportive.. I'm not sure what I would have done of he wasn't here... Today he suggested we build a new chicken coop closer to the house.. So we did and moved moved all my girls up here... I kept staring out to the yard having memories of Vegas running around.. And me running with him and him jumping up and nipping at me and us boxing... I found myself wanting to do the "whistle" that he used to respond to... It's a crushing hole. Feels like someone grabs my lungs and squeezes at times.... We went grocery shopping tonight as well... And I lost it coming home.. It's so hard to come home... He wasn't just a dog.. He had such a personality he was like loosing a person... He was my child...  Maya has been very attached to me.. Like she knows I'm hurting.. Everytime I turn around she's there.. And she has slept with me and peed with me... She's been there for me.. Maya just doesn't have the same personality that Vegas did.. But I still live her and she's the only puppy I have left.... I don't want another dog... Because it won't be him.. I went through this with Romeo.. The next horse I bought just couldn't do anything that Romeo could.. And I never really bonded with him.... I hope that Romeo met Vegas on the other side of the rainbow bridge... And I hope that Vegas knows how much I love him and how deeply I miss him..  I keep waiting for him to jump up with me on the recliner and almost tip it over... And I miss hearing him coming in the bedroom To check on us while we sleep... And this just isn't getting any easier... I can't really talk to anyone because words just don't come out..  I just wish I knew why I had to loose him...  I just. Want to go numb so I can't miss him anymore..  I'm glad the lady stopped... And I don't know why he got out of the fence.. He must have been chasing a rabbit or something he new better... I just wish he woke up.. That he broke something that could have been fixed... Something.. Anything but gone...

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